Dress Code:

1) You are  advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2)  If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a  raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore  you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a  raise.

Sick  Days:

We will no  longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are  able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to  work.

Personal  Days:

Each  employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturdays & Sundays.  

Bereavement Leave:

This is  no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead  friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to  have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In  rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral  should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour  early.
Bathroom  Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the  toilet.  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet  paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture  will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be  posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'  category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned  under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as  they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

*  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal  to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5  minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a  Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We  are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all  questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,  irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,  contemplations, consternation and input should be directed  elsewhere.

The  Management